Why Leaders Need Safe Spaces to Grow
There are times when we can’t cope. Times when – despite our best efforts – all has gone to sh*t and we’re done. Where do you go when you need to fall apart?
You are fortunate if you have people who will accept you then, who will listen and hear and let you crumble. And I feel for you if you don’t have people like this.
None of us is up all the time, we can’t be. The modern world requires it – expects it – but none of us is able to deliver all the time. And – if we try – we’ll crash.
Depressing? No, realistic.
What sorts of places and spaces work for this? Here’s a few suggestions from my own experience and from the experiences of others in communities like these.
People You Aren’t Working For or With
You cannot fall apart with people you are responsible for or who you are responsible to. Period. It has to be other people. So a work-related forum isn’t the right place. For a similar reason it probably isn’t industry-related or a professional body either.
People Who Are Ahead of You
It can’t be people who are not as far along in their life journey as you are. So it might not be your best friends and probably not your family either.
Family – spouse, partner, significant other – probably know you too well. This seems paradoxical but they know you the way you were, the way you are and they will always see you in those terms.
You need people who see you the way you aspire to be and are working towards their own aspirations of themselves too. These are forward-leaning people, who know that they are okay for now, but they want more and better for themselves. And for you too.
It Might Need To Be a Community You Pay For
Be prepared to invest to be part of such a community. These spaces have enormous value. They are safe spaces to find our limits, crumble at them and grow past them.
So what are the characteristics of such people, such communities? Here’s a few:
- They are safe spaces. No one judges you for what you do, say, or don’t do or say. No one judges you for the tears and tantrums, and yes men, guys also need tears and tantrums sometimes because we too are human.
- They are forward-leaning spaces. People there aspire to be better versions of themselves, they know it’s going to be hard work and are prepared to step up anyway. This also means that these people know that your growth is hard and messy and that you are brave to be doing it too. So they accept you and your struggles every bit as much as they accept their own.
- They are inclusive spaces, they allow women and men to play parts there. This might trigger you, but hear me out. An all-male group tends to be very alpha and go-getting and action-oriented. Sometimes resting, afternoon naps and not doing much work is what is necessary and lots of men struggle doing that. All-female spaces can be very soft and enveloping, but might need the firm, clear objectivity that comes from the masculine. Not from men necessarily, but from the masculine. In other words, we benefit from rounded communities that represent all that is great about humans – the feminine and the masculine combined.
But Why is This Necessary?
Think of yourself as a structure, a building perhaps or a tower. There are aspects of yourself that are later additions, like extensions on the side or new windows or a roof garden. These can be done simply without much effort.
But what if a structural wall right at the base needs to be worked on, changed, removed or shifted to another location? Then you need to get to the foundations, to take the weight of the top off so you can work on it. You need scaffolding. You need support for all those upper layers.
And you need to dig deep into the mud and muck and grime and old abandoned sh*t buried down there, clean it out and pour new foundations. Then they need time to cure before you allow the weight above to settle back.
All this metaphor means that sometimes you need to crumble and be held by something or someone else while you do the work deep down inside yourself. And this likely needs to happen over and over again as you discover more foundational bits that used to serve you but no longer do. THAT is what these safe spaces and places are all about. That is their unique contribution to your growth.
So What is That Like?
Allow me to describe the weekend I spent in London last week. 25 business owners and professionals in a big room for 2 days. We shared your current situations – warts and all. We spoke about what we wanted in our futures and voiced our dreams. Where else can you speak aloud your deepest dreams and desires for yourself without fear of ridicule or someone’s logic telling you “that’s not going to happen is it”?
And others reflect back to us the progress we have made so far – which we’ve probably forgotten about. They reflect the skills and gifts already in you that make you so well suited to achieving your dreams. They ask simple – obvious – questions that help you unravel the next baby step actions to move in that direction. And they offer accountability to chase you and see how you’re getting on.
It’s safe, cosy, warm, challenging, revitalising, reassuring, liberating, reaffirming and generous. It’s amazing.
Those I’ve spoken to so far after the event feel excited for the future and far more certain that they will get there. They have hope and courage and running mates for the race.
We Have Been Sold a Lie
We have been sold a lie – that we have to do this journey of life and growth alone. It’s a lie. It’s not true. What’s more, when you try to go it alone, it’s immensely frustrating, disappointing, exhausting and – ultimately – unsuccessful for many. Most people can’t do this on their own and by demanding that we do, the world keeps us small and in a box where we are only fit to be employees.
If you want more and bigger and better for yourself, you can’t conform. And if you want to not conform, you need other aspiring-non-conformers around you.
